The Relationship Killer: People-Pleasing and How to Overcome It
Our parents raised us to be nice. As kids, we're told to watch what we say, not to stare, and not to point fingers. We're taught to avoid hurting other people's feelings.
Some of us had parents who weren't very nice to us, so we learned to please others to feel lovable.
In either case, we learned to please or play nice to be accepted by others.
Here's the problem, people-pleasing and playing nice will cause nothing but misery in the long run.
In the business world, I've seen how people-pleasing and playing nice can kill success. I've trained over 20,000 people in negotiation, mostly sales professionals, and I've noticed a strong link between poor sales performance and people-pleasing tendencies.
In my own relationships with lovers and friends, I've seen how my people-pleasing and playing nice have had devastating effects.
You see life is one big relationship. We have relationships with people, places, and things. A bad relationship with a client leads to losing them to the competition. A bad relationship with money results in a lack of it. A bad relationship with your spouse leads to divorce.
So how do we avoid these bad relationships in our life? One word: Truth
Success in life requires relationships based on truth
I once had a romantic relationship with a woman whose two kids I couldn't stand. But I would lie and say, "I love your kids because I love you," because I was scared of hurting her feelings and didn't want to rock the boat.
Truth be told, I withheld many things from her due to her insecurities. I loved her and didn't want to hurt her. I lied to boost her confidence. I thought I was being a good partner.
Let me turn the table on you now. Have you ever been attracted to someone else while being married? Did you tell your spouse? Probably not. Why would you? It would only hurt them and cause problems. Besides, you’re not going to act on that attraction, right? So why say anything?
What if I told you that sharing your attraction with your spouse is the best thing you can do for your marriage? What if your spouse secretly craves complete honesty, even if it hurts? What if that seed of truth you plant blossoms into a marriage you never imagined possible?
One of life's secrets that no one teaches us is the ability to sit with the person we're relating to—whether in business, romance, or otherwise—and honestly share how we feel and think without fearing we'll hurt them.
The commonly held strategy of keeping these thoughts to myself out of fear of hurting the other is relationship kryptonite.
Relationships work best when both parties feel united, as if they’re on the same team. They thrive when ‘us’ is the top priority and die when ‘I’, ‘him’, or ‘her’ takes precedence.
The moment I decided not to tell my ex how I felt about her kids, a part of my mind separated from her. She became an object, not my partner. She went from being an 'us' to a 'them,' and we started experiencing the 'us' to 'them' transition symptoms.
These transition symptoms created a dynamic in our relationship that felt off for both of us. I couldn't pinpoint it, but our relationship began to have hints of anxiety, paranoia, and unease—never realizing these feelings stemmed from what was never said.
I began to blame myself for these negative feelings arising in the relationship. What have I done wrong? Do I need to try harder in this relationship? Do I need to be more loving? Do I need to start seeing a shrink?
But there was nothing wrong with me. I was merely feeling the impact of not living in truth.
We can feel this anxiety and paranoia in the world around us. It's everywhere—on TV, social media, and in conversations with friends and colleagues. This is the impact of a world not living in truth.
Haven't you noticed that the best things for us are often the most difficult? We tend to take the easy way out, putting band-aids on our problems and hoping for the best.
Truth is volatile, scary, and difficult, but the cost of keeping things nice is high in all our relationships. We desperately want to live in truth—we just don’t know how.
So how do we live in truth?
Hiding your truth is like drinking poison thinking that it's making someone happy.
The greatest gift you can give someone is working on yourself. This means reaching a place where we are no longer controlled and identified by our own baggage (issues, traumas, addictions, perversions).
If I'm no longer identified with or ashamed of my own sh*t, then I have no problem sharing the irrelevance of my sh*t with you.
I’ve come to realize that I can’t afford to keep my truth a secret. When I withhold myself from others, I create a prison for myself and a fairytale for them.
By not showing up authentically, I send an actor to play Tony, who’s inauthentic. This means I’m not truly present with the person in front of me. The real me is imprisoned, while the pretend me engages with others. People in my past have told me, “you’re not present with me,” and they were right. I wasn’t there—the fairytale actor Tony was.
You cant deal in truth with other people who don't want to
The important distinction here is that you don't have to tell everyone everything, but you have to be capable of telling everyone everything.
Getting to a place where you can be honest with anyone is the most important work we can do in life. It's the human curriculum.
If someone doesn't want to play the game of truth with you, that's okay. It's your moral obligation to let them stay in their own prison.
Ideally, we should surround ourselves with people committed to mutual honesty, no matter how hard it is. These relationships make our lives extraordinary and expansive.
If you're feeling stuck in life, like you're in a prison, remember that truth destroys prison walls. "The truth shall set you free" isn't just a saying—it's the key to unlocking your own personal heaven on earth.
5 ways to become more honest in your life
I've mentioned this before, but many people have core beliefs and childhood wounds that prevent them from being authentic. They believe the inauthentic "I Am" they present to the world is better than the authentic self they keep locked away. If this resonates with you, follow these steps:
Step #1: Buy and read The Body Keeps the Score. [Amazon link here]
Step #2: Choose one chapter that deeply speaks to you (each covers a new, cutting-edge healing technology).
Step #3: Commit three months to explore that healing technology with a qualified professional.
2. This option might seem a bit "hippy-dippy," but I know many who swear by it: Authentic Relating. Created by the non-profit organization Authentic Revolution, they offer programs, workshops, and meet-ups in over 150 cities worldwide. They create spaces for people to practice speaking truthfully, shedding facades. Their website offers many free resources, like authentic relating games, which could be great for your next team retreat or date night. TAP HERE for more information on Authentic Relating.
3. If you can afford it, sign up for the Hoffman Process 7-Day retreat, which costs about $5500. It’s the best program in the world for discovering your true self. The seven days are incredibly challenging and intense, but I had some of my greatest revelations during my participation. The program focuses on creating a life that aligns with your authentic self. TAP HERE for more info on the Hoffman Process.
4. I did my first Landmark Forum about 20 years ago. At the time, it was the most profound program I had ever experienced. In just three days, I discovered more about myself than I had in my entire life up to that point. The key theme in all of Landmark's programs is integrity. They relentlessly push their students to embrace radical integrity with themselves and others. Like the Hoffman Process, it's an intense program that breaks you down before rebuilding you, with integrity as your new guiding star. TAP HERE for more information on Landmark Education.
5. The best way to find people who share the desire to live in truth is through 12-step programs. These support groups emphasize sharing your pain and struggles in a non-shaming, supportive environment. Being part of a community that celebrates truth can be transformative.
For a better relationship with money, check out Debtors Anonymous.
For a better relationship with alcohol, check out Alcoholics Anonymous.
For a better relationship with an addict in your life, check out Al-Anon.
For a better relationship with love (and sex), check out Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.
For a better relationship with people in general, check out Co-Dependents Anonymous.
That's it for now.
See you next Thursday
Whenever you're ready, there are 6 ways I can help you and your team:
Book me to speak at your next sales kickoff meeting or conference: I've spoken about sales negotiation to over 20,000 people worldwide. Text the word "SPEAKER," to 310-927-5657 and someone will contact you within 24 hours to discuss.
Bring me on to train your sales team: I've trained teams from some of the world's largest organizations, yielding an incredible ROI of $535 for every dollar spent. My methods have generated an additional $1B in revenue across various industries. If you're interested, please text the word "TRANSFORMATION," to 310-927-5657 and someone will schedule a discovery call with you shortly.
[COMING SOON] Negotiate Price Like a STUD, Not a DUD: An online, self-directed course designed to help you defend your pricing and fees effectively.
[COMING SOON] The Ethical Conman Mastermind & Bookstudy: I've recently been certified as a master trainer in persuasion and influence by Dr. Robert Cialdini himself. I'm launching a new, exclusive 8-week program that deep dives into the principles of ethical persuasion and influence for leaders. Learn how to become a more magnetic leader and get more people to say "Yes" to you.
[TBD] Live 2-Day Public Negotiation Seminar in Los Angeles: Join us for a unique opportunity to master negotiation skills, network with other leaders, and enjoy a swanky hotel in LA. It's also a perfect chance to train key people from your organization if in-house training isn't feasible.
[TBD] Annual Retreat for Leaders in Transition: Join our intensive retreat designed to help leaders navigate life transitions and discover their next chapter. These retreats focus on authenticity and living a life true to your authentic self. Hundreds have experienced transformation through my retreats.
