One of the biggest myths that caused me a lot of suffering was the belief that I had to muscle my way through life to get what I wanted.

Hustle, push, grind—make sh*t happen. That's what I grew up believing, coming from a long line of "musclers."

My great-grandfather, Aaron, literally muscled his way through life as a piano mover, famous for hauling entire pianos up stairs on his back. By the time he died, arthritis had taken such a toll that he had to hold his eyelids open with scotch tape.

My grandfather, Lew, muscled through with charm, spinning exaggerated stories to hide his deep fear of not being enough. And my dad, Barry—an Ernst & Young Entrepreneur of the Year—was always on the move, starting businesses, training for marathons. His idea of relaxation? Reading seven newspapers in a single day. He was a human "doer," not a human being. He did so much because stopping meant facing the fear and anxiety he was always running from.

And let’s not even get started on my mom’s side of the family.

From left to right: Aaron the piano mover, Barry the entrepreneur, and Lew the storyteller

The sad truth?

Despite all their efforts and successes, everyone in my family died penniless and sick. They muscled through life, only to end up broken.

I recently watched the Netflix docuseries on Vince McMahon, the founder of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF)—another example of a relentless "doer." He may not die penniless, but he could die in prison, his legacy shifting from brilliant innovator to dangerous predator.

The sad part is, I saw parallels between his life, my family, and even myself. Here’s a man who built extraordinary wealth by never letting up, always hungry for more. In interviews, he’d say things that hit close to home, like, “I only look forward” and “I never dwell on the past.” But beneath his words, there was a palpable unease, as if he was running from something deeper. You could feel the pain, and his business seemed to be his escape. As long as he had WWF to pour himself into, he was fine.

It felt like the WWF was born out of his own pain. The storylines he created for the wrestlers mirrored the conflicts of his life, his struggles spilling into the plots designed to entertain the masses. The real story of his life was woven into those scripted battles.

I see now that disease, poverty, and even incarceration are where you end up when you try to play God.
Control = suffering.

For years, I followed the same path—compulsively starting businesses.

I opened my first restaurant at 22, flipped real estate by 25, and launched business after business throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I was always making sh*t happen, just like my family.

But muscling through life doesn’t work. I’ve lived it, seen it. I was lucky enough to wake up to this reality before it was too late, though life had to knock me down a few times to teach me.

I made changes. Real ones. So I won’t end up with scotch tape holding my eyelids open—and if I do, at least I'll be able to afford duct tape. I’d like to share the changes I made because I think they’re important for anyone to hear. But first, let’s talk about the two core beliefs that lead to dis-ease and poverty.

I Am Not Enough

This is a deeply rooted belief for many—including myself. It’s hard to recognize because it takes hold so early in life that we can’t remember feeling any other way. For most of us, this belief is all we’ve known. There’s no "I am enough" experience to compare it to, so we can’t say, “I prefer the ‘enough’ version of life.”

Vince McMahon and my family are prime examples of this belief system. "I am not enough" can turn into a relentless drive for more—a constant hunger that can never be satisfied. Whether it’s love, food, success, money, sex, exercise, drugs, or alcohol, nothing is ever enough. We become trapped in an endless chase, seeking things outside of ourselves to fill a void that never seems to close.

I Am Not Safe

This is another belief system that usually takes root in our youth. Much like the “I am not enough” belief, it leads to a constant search for safety in the outside world. We move through life like someone afraid of flying—every bit of turbulence feels catastrophic. One bump, and we think the plane is going down, so we try to control the experience. Maybe we order a few screwdrivers, pop a Xanax, or avoid flying altogether. When we believe we’re not safe in the world, we try to control everything. A job loss, a fight with a spouse, a health scare—every event feels like the plane is about to crash.

So, we control. We micromanage our environment, thinking if we know where everyone is and what they’re doing, we’ll be safe. We spend years pushing round pegs into square holes, not even noticing the struggle because we’ve forgotten what ease feels like. We’ve been exerting force for so long, we don’t remember what it’s like to flow with life.

That was me for most of my life.

Imagine a leaf floating down a river, naturally guided by the current. Somewhere along the way, I forgot I was the leaf—I started thinking I was the current, responsible for keeping the leaf safe. A leaf trying to control the river’s flow—crazy, right? So many forces shape the current: weather, rocks, debris, the riverbanks. But there I was, trying to manage it all. People would say, “Look at Tony, he’s handling everything—the weather, the rocks, the banks. What an ambitious guy!” But it wasn’t impressive—it was insane.

Trying to control life is insane. It’s no way to live, and it eventually leads to the poorhouse or the hospital.

So, What to Do About It?

As mentioned, I’ve learned the hard way that life works better when I surrender to it. My default setting has always been to make things happen. I’d get an idea in my head and immediately get to work turning it into reality. That’s why I’m a recovering serial entrepreneur—I was great at taking something invisible and making it visible. But the “rabbits” I pulled out of my hat constantly ran away, so I had to keep finding new ones. Life became a struggle of constantly pulling out another rabbit, until I finally learned a valuable lesson, beautifully phrased by Joseph Campbell:

Life will kick our butts, but it will also bring us the right teachers to help us course correct—if we’re open to learning.

Human Design: A Teacher I Needed

One of my teachers was Human Design. Think of it like Myers-Briggs on steroids, with a bit of mysticism thrown in. The story behind it is wild: the founder, Alan Robert Krakower, was an advertising exec who went on vacation and had a mystical experience where he heard a voice. For seven days, he wrote down everything this voice told him, and the result was the Human Design system.

He spent the rest of his life promoting it, but with little success until his death in 2011. He even wrote a book in 1992, which barely sold. Then, in 2017/2018, Human Design suddenly took off out of nowhere—poor guy never got to see his vision realized. Suddenly, everyone was talking about it, getting certified, and HR departments began incorporating it into their hiring processes. And today, its popularity continues to grow.

How COVID and Human Design Changed Me

As some of you know, COVID hit me hard, bringing with it a lifetime's worth of loss. I felt completely lost and decided to sign up for a Human Design reading. What I learned was life-altering. According to Human Design, I’m a "Generator." Generators are meant to wait for life to bring opportunities before taking action. Acting prematurely—like booking a trip to Mexico just because we feel like it—only leads to frustration. We need signs from life, like seeing a billboard for Mexico, before moving forward. In other words, our ideas must manifest in the physical world before we pursue them.

This idea of waiting for confirmation was a revelation. I’d always been the one forcing things to happen.

Most Human Design types involve some form of waiting—whether it’s for an invitation or even a full moon cycle. If you’re curious about your type, here’s a link to find out. Once you know your type, I recommend getting a professional reading here. If you don’t want to spend money, go down the Google rabbit hole—there’s plenty of free information out there, and it’s worth exploring. It might seem a bit out there, but it’s surprisingly on point.

Another Teacher: Michael Singer

Another teacher of mine is Michael Singer, author of The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment. In The Surrender Experiment, he chronicles his decision to fully surrender to life’s flow at age 25 and how that choice shaped the next 40-50 years of his life. Inspired by his story, I’ve started my own surrender experiment, and it’s been the exact medicine I needed to stop pulling all those rabbits out of my hat. By the way, both books—HIGHLY recommend!

The ingredients of suffering, combined with the teachings of Human Design and Michael Singer, created the exact cocktail I needed to finally let go and start enjoying the ride.

Let Go and Get From Life (Not Just Get Through It)

You see, because of my fears and need for control, I never gave life a chance to show me I was safe. I was too busy getting through the day instead of getting from the day. See the distinction? One is driven by fear, the other by curiosity. Next time you’re stuck in traffic, instead of trying to get through it, ask yourself what you can get from it. This shift allows us to loosen the grip a little and see the magic life has to offer.

Becoming Magnetic: Tapping into the Flow of Life

Now, let’s talk about becoming magnetic—how to get more yeses in your business and life. There’s a simple formula: it’s all about tapping into the universal principles of persuasion and influence, which are really the language of life.

Take reciprocity, for example—the idea that we’re more likely to get a yes when we give something first. Some might see this as manipulative, but if you peel back the layers, there’s a lot of beauty in it. Reciprocity is beautiful because it’s rooted in giving, and receiving has its own beauty too. That’s how life flows—through the balance of giving and receiving. Imagine a world where there was only giving—it would feel cold and disconnected. Or a world where there was only taking—chaos would ensue. There’s a reason we feel a natural urge to repay a favor—it’s part of being human, part of how we’re wired, and an essential ingredient in making the world work.

When we harness the principle of reciprocity, we’re not manipulating—we’re aligning with the way life works. It’s about ease, not struggle. We’re not forcing things; we’re flowing with the current.

Human Beings Are Wired to Be Persuaded

Guess what? Human beings are designed to be persuasive and to be persuaded. Learning how to influence others is an honor because it teaches us the language of life. It’s about surrendering to what is, not forcing what isn’t.

Of course, there will always be bad actors who misuse these principles. But like everything in life, there’s duality—dynamite can build roads or destroy villages. The words “I love you” can create connection or be used to manipulate.

So, whatever you desire in life, as long as it comes from the right place within you, go ahead and tap into these principles. They’re a gift, designed to help us create and access the beautiful life that is our birthright.

Our Resistance to Persuasion is Resistance to Life

It’s also an exercise in surrender. Think about it—when we resist persuading or being persuaded, what are we really resisting? You know who you are—the ones who avoid seeming salesy or pushy, or who dodge the salesperson at the store. Maybe you don’t even make eye contact with the person asking for donations outside of Whole Foods. But that resistance to persuasion might actually be resistance to life itself, to the way things naturally flow.

Those persuaders are just doing their jobs, earning money so they can participate in the give-and-take of life. The store owner, whose salesperson you’re avoiding, is sharing their unique gifts with the world, fulfilling their role. By engaging, you’re contributing to that cycle. One day, someone might be persuaded by you, helping you bring your unique gifts into the world.

What I’m saying is that our resistance to persuasion is often just another way we fight life, another way we try to control our experience. So next time, try something different. Say yes to that salesperson—start a conversation. You don’t have to buy anything, but maybe there’s something you’re meant to get from the interaction, rather than seeing them as an obstacle to get through (remember: from > through). The next time someone pitches you something in a LinkedIn DM, simply say thank you. By doing so, you’re telling life, “I’m open. I surrender.”

Here’s How the Other Principles of Persuasion Tap into Being Human:

Liking: We say yes to people we like. This taps into our basic human desire to be liked and to form positive connections with others.
Unity: We say yes to people who feel like part of our tribe—those we share a sense of “we-ness” with. This speaks to our core need for belonging and connection, the drive to be part of a community.
Social Proof: We say yes when others, especially those we know, are also saying yes. This taps into our desire to fit in, to align ourselves with the group and feel accepted.
Authority: We say yes to people who have superior knowledge or expertise. This appeals to our natural desire to be guided, coached, and educated by those who can help us grow.
Consistency: We say yes to those we’ve said yes to before. This taps into our need to be seen as trustworthy, consistent, and honest—people who stick to their word.
Scarcity: We say yes when we feel it’s our last chance. This leverages our human wiring to be more motivated by the fear of loss than the hope of gain. It taps into our innate drive to learn from our suffering and grow as a result.

Healing Your False "I AM's" (Not Enough and Not Safe)

This is a huge topic, one I can’t fully answer in a single newsletter. But I often dive deeper into it in other articles, like this one on confronting fear in your life: I Am Your Deepest Secret Fear (And Here’s How to Embrace Me)

Still, I want to give you a high-level framework for healing—a high-level view to give you clarity on your journey.

Healing is a four-step process, and unfortunately, you have to go through all four steps. The problem is, most people only go through one or two steps—usually Step 1 and Step 4—and miss the essential middle steps. Then they wonder why they’re still stuck.

Step #1: Awareness

This is the first step of the healing process. It’s where we use our intellect to analyze and understand our challenges. It’s what we do in therapy when we sit on the couch and talk for 50 minutes, or when we journal to process our feelings. This is typically where most people start—and often where they stop. There’s a common misconception that talk therapy, or any intellectualizing of our problems, is enough. It’s not.

Awareness is important because it lets us see our patterns. We begin to see that we believe things like, “I am not enough.” But awareness alone doesn’t fix the issue. You can’t think your way out of your problems, if you could, you wouldn't have any with the amount of thinking you do.

We need to feel it to heal it. Awareness must be paired with catharsis.

Step #2: Catharsis

This is the step where we stop thinking and start feeling. Our traumas are stored in our bodies, not just in our minds. If we want to heal, we need to release the emotional and physical grip they have on us. The body keeps score, as they say.

An example of this process is Beth. Beth was an obese woman who had been suffering with her weight for years. In Step 1, she realized through therapy that her obesity was connected to sexual abuse she had experienced as a child. She subconsciously put on weight as a form of protection, to keep people—especially men—at a distance.

This realization was huge, but it didn’t change her weight. Insight wasn’t enough. Beth still had all that trauma stored in her body, manifesting as fat. In Step 2, she went through the process of catharsis—she worked with practitioners, meditated, cried, screamed, and raged. She let out years of grief, sadness, and anger. This was the emotional release she needed. And it wasn’t easy. She often felt like quitting, but she stuck with it.

This is the messy, painful part of healing that most people avoid. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s necessary.

Step #3: Compassion/Forgiveness

When we’ve done the work in Step 2, compassion and forgiveness naturally follow. This is where Beth began to forgive her uncle for what he had done, her parents for not protecting her, and herself for putting on weight. She understood that all of these choices were made from a place of fear and self-protection.

This step isn’t forced. It’s a byproduct of the cathartic release from Step 2. Once you’ve emptied yourself of all that stored pain, you create space for compassion, love, and forgiveness.

Step #4: New Behavior

Once Beth had forgiven herself, her relationship with food changed. She no longer ate to protect herself from being hurt. She no longer felt the need to wear fat as armor. Instead, she started eating healthy from a place of love, not fear. She started eating better—not because she feared being overweight, but because she cared for her body.

See the difference? One comes from love, the other from fear. They land very differently.

This is the final step in the healing process—new behavior that comes naturally from a place of love. When we’re still carrying trauma, our behavior comes from fear. When we’ve healed, our behavior comes from love. And that’s when real, lasting change happens.

In Conclusion

A theme that kept popping up as I read through this article is approaching life from a place of love rather than fear. Fear is success’ kryptonite.

Choose love, not fear. I know it sounds like a line from a Beatles song, but there’s real wisdom in it. Before reacting to something in your life, ask yourself, “Is this coming from love or fear?” You might be surprised how often the answer is fear. And here’s the kicker—fear is usually the easier choice.

Choosing love is hard. That’s why most people don’t do it. That’s why the world is in the state it’s in.

So be different. Be unconventional. Be a tiger, not a sheep. Let’s take the road less traveled and choose love—what you’ll find on that road is far more beautiful than you can imagine.

That’s it for this week. Love you all!

See you next Thursday!

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From Muscling to Surrender: A Syllabus for the Curriculum of Life