7 Secrets to Stop Chasing Yesses and Become the Yes
Becoming Magnetic: Why It’s Not About Chasing a "Yes"
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of filming a persuasion and influence course for an incredible organization in Ireland. The focus? Training recruiters to deliver persuasive candidate presentations to hiring managers.
The course went well, and it’s bound to help many recruiters. They’ll learn tactics like using scarcity with phrases such as, "I’ve managed to get an early meeting with this candidate before they start seriously looking elsewhere. It’s a rare chance to engage with them first." Or invoking unity by saying, "We’re in this together." And let's not forget social proof: "I’ve noticed several of your competitors, including [Competitor 1] and [Competitor 2], aggressively hiring candidates with similar skill sets."
But here’s the thing—I felt a bit bored. I'm tired of just teaching tactics to get a "yes." The principles of persuasion and influence are so much deeper; they tap into what makes us human.
Persuasion Principles: More Than Just Tricks
These principles aren't just tricks to squeeze a "yes" out of someone; they’re the language of humanity. Consider:
Reciprocity: Our instinct to repay a favor.
Consistency: The drive to align our actions with our words to avoid seeming inconsistent.
Scarcity: Our wiring to fear loss more than we crave gain.
Social Proof: Our desire to belong and not be left out.
So, here’s my take: these principles aren’t meant to be used; they’re meant to become a part of who we are. It’s about being magnetic—not chasing a "yes," but being "yes." Just like an apple tree doesn’t try to grow apples; it simply does.
My hypothesis (which I’m currently testing on myself) is that these principles can transform us into a "walking yes"—someone who naturally attracts the life they envision.
Start Becoming: Creating Daily Habits
So, let's stop striving to achieve a "yes" and start becoming it. Since habits shape who we become, it’s time to create habits that make us magnetic. Here’s how to embody these principles:
Priming: It's What You Do Before You Do What You Do That Counts
How to Use Priming to Get a Yes:
If I want you to pay $100 for my widget, I might first ask for $150. Why? To prime you with a higher number, knowing you'll likely say no to it. But by saying no to $150, your likelihood of saying yes to $100 increases because it seems like a much better deal in contrast to $150.
How to Use Priming to Become a Yes:
Spend the first 60 minutes of your day priming yourself. Make this your "hour of power"—dedicate it to activities that bring you peace and joy. Whether it's meditating, journaling, exercising, reading positive literature, sauna/cold plunge, or yoga—use this time solely for you. Avoid stressors like checking emails. This is your time to set a positive tone for the rest of the day.
Reciprocity: A Favor Given Often Leads to a Favor Returned
How to Use Reciprocity to Get a Yes:
If I want you to do a favor for me, I should ask right after I’ve done something for you. The more meaningful, customized, and unexpected the gesture, the higher the chance you’ll say yes. For example, one of the greatest gifts I ever received was a vintage Playboy magazine from the month and year of my birth—talk about customized and unexpected! And yes, it was meaningful (even though I’m not a Playboy reader) because of the effort and time this person spent finding a magazine from June, 45 years ago. After receiving that, I would have given my right kidney if they had asked.
How to Use Reciprocity to Become a Yes:
Make giving a daily habit without expecting anything in return. Here are some ideas:
Give $1 a day to a local homeless person.
Anonymously fill up a parking meter for a stranger.
Buy coffee for the person behind you in line.
Donate an hour of your time every day to a good cause.
Tell one person daily that you love them.
If generosity doesn’t come naturally to you, consider this your sign to start practicing today. And if you want a science-backed way to make giving a daily habit, check out my article on Tiny Habits.
Liking: We Like People Who Are Similar to Us and Praise Us
How to Use Liking to Get a Yes:
Did you know that the chances of someone submitting an email questionnaire double if the sender’s name sounds similar to theirs? For example, John Bellows receives a questionnaire from Ron Mellows.
Or that you're 260% more likely to donate to a hurricane disaster fund—and likely to donate more—if your name shares the first letter of the hurricane? Your name is Kate, and the hurricane is Katrina (both share the letter "K").
If a similar-sounding name or first letter can get someone to say yes, imagine the results if you highlight something more meaningful! Perhaps you and your "influence challenge" both played lacrosse in high school, have traveled to Namibia, or share a love for putting butter in your coffee.
Here’s another example: Did you know there’s a sales professional in the Guinness Book of World Records as the greatest car salesman of all time? Joe Girard sold 5 cars per day over his career and had 13,000 customers by the time he retired. His secret? Every month, he sent each customer a handwritten note with just three words: “I Like You.” Genuine praise and compliments go a long way toward converting a "yes."
How to Use Liking to Become a Yes:
A key spiritual practice for me is Kirtan, an ancient Bhakti yoga practice. It’s a form of chanting to a melody, where we sing the names of Hindu gods like Hanuman, Krishna, and Ram—essentially, we’re singing love songs to God. The word Kirtan comes from a Sanskrit root meaning to praise.
To become a "yes" in life, we need to do what Joe Girard did—but instead of just praising people, we praise life. Here’s the habit: Every day, spend a few minutes writing down 3 to 5 things you’re grateful for. In other words, praise your life.
FYI: Below is video of a live Kirtan if you’re curious as to what it is.
Unity: We Say Yes to Those Who Belong to Us
How to Use Unity to Get a Yes:
The story I’m about to share is sensitive, especially for those like me who were raised Jewish. I tell it only to illustrate the profound power of the Unity principle.
During World War II, a horrific concentration camp guard had a despicable punishment for prisoners who stepped out of line. He would line up all the prisoners and count down every tenth person, pulling out a gun and shooting them. One day, he began his grim routine but, when he reached the tenth prisoner, he hesitated. He skipped over him and shot the eleventh instead. The guard continued down the line, executing every tenth prisoner as usual.
When another guard asked why he spared the tenth prisoner, he replied, "We both grew up in the same town."
In that brief moment, the principle of Unity transformed a serial killer into a compassionate human being. That’s the power of Unity.
To harness unity, research the person you're trying to persuade and highlight any ways in which you share a sense of "we-ness"—whether it’s a shared religion, geographic connection, or life experience.
How to Use Unity to Become a Yes:
Unity is about community. Make a habit of investing in your community or creating one. If you tend to isolate or avoid people, this is especially crucial. Be with others. Build a network of strong friendships around you. Take a class, join a club, or participate in a support group.
Here’s a simple habit: After writing your daily gratitude list, pull out your phone and text a friend. I started doing this 1.5 years ago, and it has effortlessly blossomed into a stronger sense of community around me. If you invest in others, they will invest in you.
Social Proof: We Follow the Crowd
How to Use Social Proof to Get a Yes:
The UK government, like many others, wanted citizens to pay their taxes on time. They initially sent out a threatening letter: "Pay your taxes on time, or else." This letter had a 67% compliance rate. Then, they made a small change—adding a line that read, “The vast majority of people pay on time.” Compliance jumped to 72%. Next, they tweaked it to say, “The vast majority in your region pay on time,” boosting compliance to 79%. Finally, they went hyper-local: “The vast majority in your town pay on time.” Compliance soared to 83%.
The lesson? If you want someone to say yes, show them how others are already saying yes through testimonials, success stories, case studies, and references.
How to Use Social Proof to Become a Yes:
If you saw the Candid Camera video above, you might have laughed, but it also reveals how deeply influenced we are by the people around us. The wrong relationship can cause us to self-destruct—I’ve been there. A good friend of mine, the same one who gifted me that vintage Playboy magazine, is a caretaker by nature. She constantly surrounds herself with people who drain her and can’t get their lives together. When she realized I didn’t need caretaking—that I was an equal who could expand her life—she dropped me like a bad habit. She wasn’t ready to look at herself.
Here's the habit for this principle, and it’s not easy: choose the right people. Build a community of equals who expand your life, not those who constantly need saving. This principle is all about setting boundaries and saying "no" to people who drain you, so you can say "yes" to those who elevate you.
This principle boils down to self-love. If you struggle to set boundaries with those who diminish you, it’s often because, deep down, you don't feel worthy of something better.
Authority: We Say Yes to Those Who Have Superior Knowledge and Wisdom
How to Use Authority to Get a Yes:
The image above shows two brain scans from the same person. The brightly lit one is when no authority figure was present; the calmer one is when an authority figure was in the room. Our brains naturally relax around authority—whether it's a true expert, like an actual doctor, or perceived authority, like someone simply dressed as a doctor. Humans crave this guidance and are constantly looking for experts, teachers, and leaders.
One study that illustrates this is the "Jaywalking Study." Researchers had a man jaywalk at a busy New York intersection, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt. They counted how many people followed him. The next day, they dressed him in a sharp suit and tie—a symbol of perceived authority—and repeated the experiment. The result? A 350% increase in people who followed him across the street.
The takeaway? Dress for success. Highlight your credentials, showcase your achievements, and yes, if you need to, sit in a rented Lamborghini for that Facebook ad pitch—kidding... but not really!
How to Use Authority to Become a Yes:
One word: READ! Make reading a daily habit. Instead of renting that Lamborghini, invest in books. Become someone with genuine knowledge and wisdom, and people will naturally be drawn to you, knocking on your door to say yes.
One of my favorite authorities is Naval Ravikant. He’s a brilliant entrepreneur, investor, and philosopher. When I listen to him, my brain relaxes in the way only true authority can induce. If you haven’t yet, check out this interview with him—it’s pure gold.
Here are a few of Naval's tips on reading:
"Reading science, math, and philosophy one hour per day will likely put you at the upper echelon of human success within seven years."
"Listening to books instead of reading them is like drinking your vegetables instead of eating them."
"If you can speed-read it, it isn't worth reading."
"Read what you love until you love to read."
"Careful what you read—thoughts work like that song you can't get out of your head."
"If they wrote it to make money, don't read it."
It's not about 'educated' vs. 'uneducated.' It's about 'likes to read' vs. 'doesn't like to read.'"
Bonus: Here’s Naval’s recommended book list—I fully endorse it!
Consistency: We Feel Pressure to Align with What We've Said or Done
How to Use Consistency to Get a Yes:
No matter where you are, people don’t want to appear as liars—even if they are. It’s basic human nature to align actions with previous commitments. Here's a classic example from a study in Palo Alto, CA: Researchers, posing as concerned citizens for road safety, asked homeowners if they could put a "Drive Safely" billboard in their front yards. Only 17% agreed.
Then, they approached another group, asking if they could display a small postcard in their window with the same message. Most said yes. A week later, the researchers returned to these homeowners and asked if they could now place the billboard in their yard. The result? A whopping 76% said yes—a 447% increase!
The takeaway: Get people to agree to smaller requests before asking for something big. Someone who pays you $20 for a small item will be much more likely to pay $1,000 later.
How to Use Consistency to Become a Yes:
The final two principles—Consistency and Scarcity—are often used to close deals, getting someone off the fence and committed. But there's a deeper truth here: these principles are really about living in truth. Consistency is about truth with others; Scarcity is about truth with yourself.
If consistency and scarcity close deals in the world of getting, they also "close" people in the world of becoming. Truth becomes the catalyst that magnetizes people to you, earns their respect, and compels them to say yes—not because of a tactic, but because you are a walking yes. People know truth when they hear it; they feel it. And if they feel it in you, they'll follow you to the ends of the earth.
Hiding your truth is like drinking poison, thinking it's making someone else happy. The greatest gift you can give someone is to work on yourself—reaching a place where you're no longer controlled or identified by your baggage (issues, traumas, addictions). When you’re no longer ashamed of your sh*t, you have no problem sharing its irrelevance.
I’ve come to realize I can’t afford to keep my truth a secret. Withholding myself creates a prison for me and a fairytale for them. By not showing up truthfully, I send an actor to play Tony. People in my past have told me, “You’re not present with me,” and they were right. The real me was locked away, while the pretend me engaged.
But here's the key: you don’t have to tell everyone everything—you just need to be capable of telling anyone anything. Getting to this place is life's true curriculum.
If someone doesn't want to play the game of truth with you, let them stay in their own prison. Surround yourself with people who commit to mutual honesty. These relationships make life extraordinary and expansive.
Scarcity: Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
How to Use Scarcity to Get a Yes:
Humans are more driven by fear of loss than by potential gain. We’re more likely to take action for painkillers than vitamins. When trying to get someone to say yes to buying your widget, use scarcity. Let them know there’s only one left, or that they have 24 hours to decide before it’s sold to someone else. Instead of focusing on how much they’ll save by owning it, frame it in terms of what they’ll lose if they don’t—it’s called loss framing, and it’s a powerful motivator.
How to Use Scarcity to Become a Yes:
If consistency is about living in truth, scarcity is about living from truth. In other words, living authentically. Realize that there is only one you in the world—you are the definition of scarce. Trying to mold yourself into someone else or live a life others expect of you is not living from your truth.
The path to authenticity is living a life that aligns with your true self. It’s an expression of your uniqueness, your design, your soul code, your purpose. Every religion and wisdom tradition has a term for this authentic self: Buddhism calls it Dharma, Hinduism Atman, Taoism Tao, Islam Qadar, and Judaism Tikkun Olam.
Whatever word you use, the goal is to live a life that aligns with who you were before the world got its hands on you. The scarcity principle is about celebrating your uniqueness and living in accordance with it.
Easier said than done, right? Most of us need to do some serious digging. We must sift through others' opinions we’ve adopted as our own. We have to free ourselves from societal conventions that act like straitjackets. And we must heal unresolved traumas so we can see ourselves clearly—not through the lens of people who didn’t love us for who we are.
This principle is about making the journey back to your true self a habit. It’s about reconnecting with the soul that came into this world before others started telling you who you should be. As the brilliant Joseph Campbell once said, “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Final Thoughts: Becoming Magnetic
Do you want to become more magnetic in your life? If yes, choose three principles that resonate with you. Three principles that you feel are missing from your life. Three principles that, if you embodied them, would help you shine a little brighter in the world.
Once you’ve chosen your three principles, create three habits to practice every day for the next 7 days—and see how you feel afterward. If it feels right, keep going.
I suggest making them tiny habits! Check out my article for a breakdown on how to make habits tiny—it’s based on a process developed by the head of Stanford's Behavior Lab.
Lastly, if you have any questions about how to convert these principles into the right habits for you, just reply to this email—I read every response. If you're reading this on my website, feel free to email me at tony@tonyperzow.com, and I'll gladly help.
That’s it for today. Wishing you a magnetic week ahead!
See you next Thursday.
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