I Am Your Deepest Secret Fear (And Here’s How to Embrace Me)
Fear and anxiety have followed me for as long as I can remember.
By my 20s, it wasn’t just occasional worry—it was full-blown panic attacks that stopped me in my tracks.
Growing up, I had a nanny named Yvonne who lived with us until I was 8. She was from the Caribbean and had left her own family, including her 1-year-old son, to come work in Canada. I was just a year old at the time, and she took me in as her own, filling the gap of the son she had left behind. Yvonne became more of a mother to me than my own—her bed was the one I crawled into whenever I had nightmares.
About 10 years ago, I tracked Yvonne down and had a heartfelt phone call with her before she passed. She told me I was a scared child, as if I’d come into the world carrying fear. Every night, she’d comfort me with “Jesus stories,” even though I was raised Jewish. She also reminded me how much I loved her jerk chicken, which still keeps me hooked on Caribbean food.
Left to right: My mother, Father, me, and Yvonne
Fear runs deep in my family.
My 9-year-old son, Rocky, entered the world anxious, just like my father and his father before him. It’s a running joke in the Perzow family that we’re all hypochondriacs—every freckle feels like a medical emergency.
Fear has been passed down generationally, like baggage waiting for someone to break the cycle. Despite years of working on it, I still passed my fear onto my son. But now I understand why: fear isn’t something to conquer or eradicate. It’s not a poison to avoid. It’s something to be understood and embraced.
For years, I white-knuckled through life, trying to manage fear. But that approach only lasts so long. Recently, I’ve taken a deeper dive into confronting fear and anxiety. I’ve learned lessons I now share with my son, hoping to end this cycle for good.
If my story resonates with you, I’d love to share what I’ve learned, including a step-by-step daily exercise at the end that has been the most effective way for me to confront fear.
Don’t Do This...
Hiding:
In my article 3 Ways to Live As Though Your Father Were Dead, I mentioned how my father would say, “When things get tough, throw a cigar in your mouth and move forward.” There’s a mix of wisdom and deception in that. Sure, there’s value in faking it till you make it (I believe in that too), but when it comes to fear and anxiety, it’s dangerous advice.
My family taught me to hide from fear and anxiety. Act like they didn’t exist. Put on a brave face and pretend everything was fine. But that doesn’t work. Pretending fear isn’t real isn’t living in truth—it’s living in a fairy tale without the happy ending.
There’s no freedom in living like that. It’s a prison of your own making, locking you into the same cycles of fear and anxiety, generation after generation. This is why fear has been passed down in my family—it thrives in the shadows of denial. True freedom comes when you face it head-on, acknowledge its presence, and work through it, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist.
Conquering:
In my early 20s, I worked with an anxiety specialist named Dr. Adam Radomski, the head of Concordia University's anxiety and depression department. He was a godsend. He only saw clients on Fridays, mostly for his research. At our first session, he said, “My job is to get you to never set foot in this office again. I want you to fire me as soon as possible.” And eventually, I did. But along the way, he became more than just a therapist—he became a mentor and a good friend.
Dr. Radomski taught me to face my fears head-on, and that lesson stuck with me immediately. He also taught me to love my fears, but at 22, that part didn’t sink in. It wasn’t until my 40s that I began to understand it.
For the next 20 years, I made it my mission to face every fear like it was going out of style. I became a "fear slayer." I tackled everything that scared me just for the sake of overcoming it. And there’s no doubt that being a fear slayer brought me success in many areas of my life. But it wasn’t sustainable.
When you make fear your enemy—something to conquer, destroy, or overcome—what does it do? It gets back in the gym, starts doing push-ups, getting stronger, waiting for its next chance to knock some sense into you. Fear doesn’t want to destroy you—it wants your attention. It’s not there to hurt you; it’s there to help. Fear wants to be your partner, not your foe.
Hating:
Along with being a fear slayer, I also became a fear hater. You can have an adversarial relationship with something and still respect it, but I had no respect for my fears and anxieties. I hated them. I saw them as poison, something to be avoided at all costs. Whenever I felt anxiety or fear, I berated myself. I’d get frustrated and demand that it leave immediately.
But here’s what I’ve learned: fear is like a child. It craves closeness, nurturing, love, and acceptance—just like Fia expresses in her mesmerizing song below. When you treat a child like poison—rejecting or abandoning them—they either act out or self-destruct. Fear works the same way. The more you neglect it, the more destructive it becomes. It doesn’t vanish; it festers, growing more intense and impossible to ignore.
Do This...
Talking:
I've mentioned Internal Family Systems (IFS) in past articles, but I can’t emphasize enough how powerful this therapy is. It’s potent. I see my IFS therapist weekly, and it continues to transform my life and relationships—especially my relationship with fear.
This isn’t your typical talk therapy where you vent for an hour while the therapist nods and scribbles notes. IFS is all about dialogue—but not with your therapist. It’s about having conversations with the different parts inside of you.
Think of someone with dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). They switch between distinct personalities—one might speak with an accent, another might smoke, one could be highly sexual, while another is nun-like. Although you may not have this disorder, chances are you have multiple personalities too—you just hide them well. We all have these different "parts" within us, as IFS calls them, that subtly influence our behavior. While these parts may not fully take over, they still shape how we think, feel, and act in various situations.
For example, you might have a destructive part that creates chaos, and another part that’s empathetic and helps others through their chaos. It’s like having a dysfunctional family inside, constantly bickering. IFS helps turn that dysfunction into harmony by letting each part express its needs and feelings. Once these parts feel heard, they stop creating turmoil, leading to inner harmony—and that harmony extends into your relationships with people, places, and things.
I had many anxious and fearful parts inside me. With my therapist’s guidance, I began closing my eyes and having actual conversations with these parts. Within minutes, they’d take form in my mind’s eye—they had bodies, faces, and voices. Some appeared human, others like animals or even aliens. The wild part? I could ask them questions, and they would answer me clearly.
It was eye-opening to learn that my fears and anxieties were there to protect me. I never saw them as helpful before. I also learned how hurt they felt from being ignored and hated—they were sad. They loved me and wanted me to love them back. Week after week, I met new parts that needed attention. And the more I listened and embraced them, the more the disturbances in my life quieted down.
If you're struggling with fear, depression, grief, or anger—I can’t recommend IFS enough. It’s life-changing. If this resonates with you, don’t walk—run to find an IFS therapist and begin your journey.
Sitting:
When I was 22, Dr. Radomsky gave me a piece of advice that seemed too simple at the time: "Sit with your fear and anxiety." He instructed me to find a comfortable seat, close my eyes, and just feel it—no distractions, no avoidance. He asked, "How does fear feel in your chest? Your stomach?" I didn’t fully understand why he wanted me to do this, so I dismissed it. Looking back, that simple practice was one of the most powerful lessons I would later come to appreciate.
Ten years later, in my 30s, a wise teacher gave me the same advice—can you believe that? He told me to set aside 5 minutes a day to just sit with myself. Not meditate—just sit. He said the more emotional I felt, the better it was to sit with those feelings. Once again, I gave it a shot for a while but didn’t really see the point. I quickly wrote it off as some “hippie-dippy” technique and moved on.
Fast forward a few years to an IFS session, where one of my fearful parts revealed how sad it was that I kept abandoning it. It felt hated. I found deep compassion for this part, and when I asked if there was anything I could do to help, its response floored me: "Sit with me. Close your eyes and just be with me. There's nothing you need to do—just sit."
That was a turning point. I finally realized the power of sitting with fear, anxiety, and all the parts of myself that want my attention. It’s not about fighting or fixing—it’s about being present, like a parent sitting with a child who just wants to feel seen and heard.
So now, every day—whether it's 5 or 20 minutes—I sit with myself. It's simple, but it's one of the most powerful acts of self-care. My parts crave time and attention, and I make sure to give it to them.
Start today. Just 5 minutes. The next time you're feeling scared, upset, or anxious, don’t distract yourself—just sit. You know the phrase, "Don’t just sit there, do something"? That’s wrong. It should be, "Don’t just do something, sit there."
Expressing:
This next tool is something I practice twice a day, and I learned it from Ann Runkle, author of the soon-to-be-released Re-Regulated. The results of this exercise, when done consistently, are almost magical. It’s about giving your fears and resentments a space to express themselves daily, allowing you to listen to and soothe them.
Earlier, I mentioned sitting with your fears to let them feel cared for by your presence. But like children, our fears also need to express themselves—tantrum, cry, release pressure. They want to be heard, and they need an empathetic "parent" to listen without judgment. This process allows your fears to vent and be soothed through meditation, which acts as a warm, reassuring embrace.
Here’s a Step-by-Step Breakdown of the Process:
STEP #1: Writing Down Fears and Resentments
Get it out of your head and onto paper: Write twice a day, morning and evening. This simple act works wonders, and you can do it anywhere.
Start by writing "I have fear...": Jot down anything that comes to mind—no need to analyze or dig into the past. Just capture what’s present right now.
If you're angry, write "I am resentful at...": Name the person, group, or institution you’re angry at (could be a friend, God, the IRS, or even yourself).
Follow with "because I have fear...": Before explaining why you’re resentful, write down the fear behind it. Often, it’s fear driving the resentment. Digging into this helps you realize the root cause and why you feel ineffective or unreasonable.
Look for more fears: Many fears can be hiding beneath one resentment. Take a moment to poke around and explore.
No need for significance: The fears and resentments don’t need to be huge or even true. You don’t have to analyze them—just get them on paper to create more mental space.
Finish with release: End your fear/resentment brain dump with a simple releasing phrase like "I let this go," or create your own. You can include God if you like, or not—there are examples in the sample below with and without. As you write this phrase, visualize those thoughts leaving your mind. Don’t overanalyze—just release what's bothering you right now.
Helpful Tips:
Write first thing in the morning and again in the evening. You can write more if needed, but aim for at least twice a day.
Write as much as needed to feel a bit better than when you started.
Think of your fears and resentments like wet leaves on a windshield. You’re simply picking them off one by one, not analyzing them. Once they’re gone, light comes through, and you can see clearly again. No need to write perfectly or seek insights—it’s not a journal.
Don’t worry that letting go of fears will make you powerless. Releasing them actually gives you more clarity and effectiveness.
Be cautious where you leave your writing. Destroy it afterward by shredding, burning, or writing illegibly to protect others’ feelings and ensure privacy.
STEP #2: After Writing, Rest Your Mind With Meditation
Twice a day, right after writing, it’s time to meditate! Meditation helps calm your mind after the emotional work of writing, allowing you to re-regulate and open yourself up to clarity and guidance.
The goal of this meditation is simply to rest your mind. It’s different from focusing on your breath or being still—just relax into it.
Choose a mantra—a simple word with little meaning to you. It’s meant to divert your focus. Try words like “release,” “this,” or “easy.”
Find a comfortable spot: Sit in a chair, on the couch, in bed, or anywhere undisturbed. Sit upright but comfortably—no need to worry about posture. Wrapping yourself in a blanket or propping up your feet is perfectly fine.
Set a timer for 20 minutes (I recommend the Insight app for this) and close your eyes. Slowly repeat your mantra to yourself every few seconds. If your mind starts to wander, gently guide it back to the mantra without judgment.
Can’t sit for 20 minutes? Start with what you can do. But aim for 20 minutes twice a day for the best results.
If you fall asleep, that’s okay. Just return to the mantra when you wake up.
Distractions or noise? That’s part of life—learn to meditate through it.
If your mind races during meditation, consider spending more time writing first to clear some mental space.
If meditation stirs up fears, that’s okay too. Keep it short at first if needed.
Feel free to use your preferred meditation style if that works best for you. Many find that sticking with a super-simple meditation is easier in the long run. However, if you're curious about my personal favorite style of meditation, I cover it in-depth in this article, which includes an instructional video. Just a heads-up—it’s not as simple as the method suggested here, but it’s worth exploring if you’re ready for a deeper dive.
Twice a day is ideal for maintaining mental balance. But if you miss a session, don’t stress about it.
Meditating with others can help—whether in the same room or even on a video call. It surprisingly feels like you’re meditating together!
FAQs:
What if I don’t have time to write and meditate twice a day?
Many people worry about this. Our minds are often cluttered with thoughts, which makes it hard to focus and get things done. The surprise benefit of the Daily Practice is that it gives you MORE time. With clearer focus and less mental “spinning,” you’ll find you have more time in the day than you thought. But you’ll have to try it to see.
I have a hard time meditating: Can I skip that part?
Yes, you can. However, meditation right after writing helps solidify the practice. Writing is emotionally taxing for your spirit, whether it feels like it or not. Meditation ensures you rest your mind, making it more likely that you’ll stick with the process long-term. People who skip meditation tend to abandon the practice sooner.
Can I do my own form of meditation (mindfulness, Vipassana, etc.)?
Absolutely! The reason there was a simple meditation included in this article is because it's more restful for the mind. There’s no need to focus on breath, posture, or clearing your mind. Effortlessness is the goal. But if another method works for you, feel free to use that.
I’m religious—will meditation conflict with my faith?
Not at all! You can use a holy name or scripture as your mantra. If that feels like too much effort, stick to neutral mantras like “this” or “okay.” If you have concerns, consult a clergy person about how to adapt the technique within your faith’s tradition.
What if writing about fears makes them worse?
If you feel worse after writing, you might be over-analyzing or digging too deep. Stick to writing what’s already on your mind instead of trying to figure it all out. Also, consider asking for guidance to remove the negative thoughts, rather than relying solely on yourself.
Do I have to do this for the rest of my life?
No, but regular practice works better than doing it occasionally. Keeping it going is key to seeing the benefits. Let your experience guide you—if it’s working, you’ll likely want to keep doing it.
I don’t have resentment. Can I just write fears?
Everyone has resentments, even if they’re small. It might be at other drivers, a political party, yourself, or even trivial things like supermarket annoyances. Just jot down whatever comes up—it doesn’t have to be big or life-changing.
If I release my fears, will I become a doormat?
This practice helps you stand up for yourself more. It leaves you clearer about what’s bothering you, making it easier to say no, take action, or speak up when needed.
Can I write a gratitude list at the end of my writing?
You can, but I don’t recommend adding extra steps. The Daily Practice works without embellishments. As your fear and resentment lessen, gratitude will naturally flow. Let the practice do its work.
How can I get my spouse/child/friend to try this?
Anyone can do this daily practice, even kids. If they’re young, you can take dictation or have them draw pictures. The best way to encourage someone is to lead by example. If it’s working for you, they’ll notice the change and ask you about it. I wouldn’t push it on anyone.
What should I do with the paper after writing?
Destroy it—shred, burn, or discard it. Once it’s written, it’s been surrendered. You don’t need to read it again. Plus, you’ll want to be free to write honestly, and keeping the papers might lead to hurt feelings if someone else reads them.
Treat Your Children Well... I Mean, Treat Your Fears Well
For most of my life, I believed I needed to conquer my fears to feel less afraid. But what I’ve learned is that to truly feel safe and less afraid, it's about befriending, loving, and parenting your fears—literally treating them like your children.
Just like kids, your fears need time, acknowledgment, presence, love, and acceptance. Neglecting them or treating them like an enemy only makes them grow angrier, more resentful, and creates more chaos in your life.
That old saying, “You attract more bees with honey than vinegar,” is simple but full of wisdom. Truth is often simple, but we tend to overcomplicate it. So, as an experiment, try spreading a little more honey in the areas of your life filled with conflict and turbulence, and see what changes.
As I write this, it’s dawning on me that I need to spread some honey on the broken relationship I have with my sister. There’s so much anger between us, and I keep adding vinegar to it. I can’t preach this to you, my reader, if I don’t walk the talk. So, this week, I’m committing to muster up the courage and spread that honey on our relationship. I challenge you to do the same with someone in your life.
That’s it for now. And thank you, sincerely, for reading—I'm truly honored.
See you next Thursday!
Whenever you're ready, there are 6 ways I can help you and your team:
Book me to speak at your next sales kickoff meeting or conference: I've spoken about sales negotiation to over 20,000 people worldwide. Text the word "SPEAKER," to 310-927-5657 and someone will contact you within 24 hours to discuss.
Bring me on to train your sales team: I've trained teams from some of the world's largest organizations, yielding an incredible ROI of $535 for every dollar spent. My methods have generated an additional $1B in revenue across various industries. If you're interested, please text the word "TRANSFORMATION," to 310-927-5657 and someone will schedule a discovery call with you shortly.
[COMING SOON] Negotiate Price Like a STUD, Not a DUD: An online, self-directed course designed to help you defend your pricing and fees effectively.
[COMING SOON] From 'Yes' to 'Hell Yes': The Ethical Conman's Blueprint: I've recently been certified as a master trainer in persuasion and influence by Dr. Robert Cialdini himself. I'm launching a new, exclusive 8-week program that deep dives into the principles of ethical persuasion and influence for leaders. Learn how to become a more magnetic leader and get more people to say "Yes" to you.
[TBD] Live 2-Day Public Negotiation Seminar in Los Angeles: Join us for a unique opportunity to master negotiation skills, network with other leaders, and enjoy a swanky hotel in LA. It's also a perfect chance to train key people from your organization if in-house training isn't feasible.
[TBD] Annual Retreat for Leaders in Life Transitions: Join our intensive retreat designed to help leaders navigate life transitions and discover their next chapter. These retreats focus on authenticity and living a life true to your authentic self. Hundreds have experienced transformation through my retreats.
