If You Spot It, You Got It: Transform Your Relationships with This Simple Tool
Today, I want to share a powerful tool that can transform how you relate to others and improve your relationships.
I first encountered this tool during the Hoffman Process, an intensive psychological detox. At the time, one of the facilitators treated me in a way that felt unfair—like a total as*hole. I was furious, mentally arguing with him and ready to confront him. What I didn’t realize was that his behavior was intentional, designed to teach me a valuable lesson. Now, I’m grateful for the experience because it introduced me to this incredibly effective tool.
This tool has become a key part of my negotiation programs for dealing with difficult personalities. I also use it at my retreats to foster harmony and trust as participants prepare for transformative experiences.
It will improve your relationships, reduce conflict, and help you realize this essential truth: everyone is responsible, but no one is to blame.
This tool helps you recognize your role in situations, take ownership, and keep your side of the street clean. It builds self-awareness, allowing you to identify your triggers and respond intentionally, rather than reacting emotionally.
Let’s dive into the concepts behind the tool.
We Live in an Assumptive World
"What Seems to Be, Is—To Those to Whom It Seems" – William Blake
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" – William Shakespeare
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" – Dr. Wayne Dyer
"We see the world not as it is, but as we are." – Anaïs Nin
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." – Albert Einstein
"You must understand that seeing is believing, but also know that believing is seeing." – Denis Waitley
"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see." – Henry David Thoreau
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it." – Marcus Aurelius
It seems that the greatest minds and teachers throughout history are all pointing to a profound truth, don’t you think?
Consider what they’re saying: What you see when you look at something depends not so much on what is there, but on the assumptions you bring when you look.
When I speak to an audience of 100 people, there will be 100 different opinions of me. Some will think I’m funny, others might find me smart, annoying, or irritating. A few might dislike me immediately. In essence, there are 100 different "realities" in the room, and mine makes 101.
What we believe to be the "real" physical world is actually just an "assumptive" world.
Science backs this up too—what we perceive as solid reality is often shaped by our expectations and assumptions.
Your assumptions shape not only what you see but also how you act. They influence both your conscious and subconscious actions, guiding you toward making them a reality.
In relationships, your assumptions about someone shape how you perceive them. If you change your view of someone, it reveals that your previous belief wasn’t absolute truth but was shaped by your own perspective.
For instance, if you find someone rude or unfair, it’s a sign that you’re seeking out that rudeness or unfairness in them. It’s not up to the other person to change—it's your attitude that needs adjusting.
Remember this: Other people only echo what we whisper to them in secret.
Understanding Negative Transference
Negative transference is when we react to others the way we learned to react to our parents. It’s a subconscious, reactive behavior pattern. When triggered, we view the other person through the lens of our childhood experiences, assuming their thoughts, feelings, and behavior, even if the evidence suggests otherwise.
It’s like placing a cardboard cutout of our mom, dad, or another authority figure in front of someone and responding as we did in childhood—often repeating negative patterns. Keep in mind: transference is rarely about the other person; it’s about you. A helpful phrase to remember is, "If you spot it, you’ve got it."
Before we dive into the step-by-step process, it’s best to have a real-life example. Think of a situation from yesterday or today where you felt irritated, frustrated, or upset with someone.
Got your subject?
Now, grab a pen and paper or open a notepad on your phone—you’ll need to jot some things down.
Ready? Let’s dive in…
Step-by-Step Process
Step 1: When and Where
When and where did the irritating situation happen?
Examples:
Monday evening at the grocery store
This morning during school drop-off
Five minutes ago in my kitchen
No long stories—just the facts. Got it? Let’s move on.
Step 2: I Had a Negative Reaction to…
Who triggered your negative reaction?
Examples:
My boss, Linda
My husband, Charlie
The writer of this article, Tony
Just the name. Let’s keep it simple.
Step 3: I Experienced This Person As…
How did you experience them? No more than 5-10 words.
Examples:
I experienced Tony as a know-it-all
I experienced Rebecca as arrogant
I experienced Roberto as too sensitive
Sasha was rude, mean, and manipulative
David was emotionally unavailable
Got it? Moving on.
Step 4: Like my (mother, father, surrogate)
Now, reflect on the adjectives you used to describe the person who triggered you. Ask yourself: Would I use the same adjectives to describe my mother, father, or a surrogate figure from my childhood (someone who acted as a parental figure, even if they weren’t the best one, before you were 13)?
Examples:
Tony was a know-it-all…just like my father
Rebecca was arrogant…just like my mother
Roberto was too sensitive…just like my stepmom
Sasha was manipulative…just like my grandma
David was emotionally unavailable…just like my stepdad
This step might bring some "aha" moments. That’s a sign of growth.
Step 5: The Patterns I Went Into Were...
This is an important step, as it requires self-reflection. When you were triggered by the person’s behavior, words, or even their presence, how did you react?
Examples:
When I experienced Tony as a know-it-all (like my father), I disengaged, withdrew, and scrolled through Instagram.
When I experienced Rebecca as arrogant (like my mother), I got angry and lashed out verbally.
When I experienced Roberto as too sensitive (like my stepmom), I used humor to cover my frustration and made fun of him.
When Sasha was rude and manipulative (like my grandma), I gossiped about her behind her back instead of confronting her.
When David was emotionally unavailable (like my stepdad), I fell into people-pleasing mode, being overly nice and accommodating.
If you need to write a little more to capture your feelings and behavior, this is the step to do it. Don’t overdo it, but it may be helpful to look closely at your reaction patterns, especially if self-reflection is new to you.
Step 6: Which I Learned from My (Mother, Father, Surrogate)
Now, reflect on your reactions from the previous step and ask: Do these behaviors remind you of how your mother, father, or surrogate acted when you were growing up? Were you mirroring their behavior?
Examples:
I disengaged, withdrew, and scrolled through Instagram, just like my father used to do—except he had the New York Times instead of IG.
I got angry and lashed out verbally, just like my mother.
I used humor to mask my frustration and made fun of him, just like my grandfather.
I gossiped behind her back instead of confronting her, just like my aunt who raised me.
I fell into people-pleasing mode, being overly nice and accommodating, just like my stepmom.
This can be an eye-opener as you realize how deeply rooted your behavior patterns are. You might find yourself thinking, "Wow, I'm just repeating the patterns I learned growing up," or "I haven’t been seeing the other person clearly—I've been projecting my dad onto them!"
Now, onto the final step, the most important one—the reason we’ve gone through this whole process. Ready?
Step 7: Am I Free of Transference or Still Stuck in It?
Now, ask yourself: Are you still feeling angry, irritated, or resentful toward your subject? Most likely, you're not. Whatever negative emotions you had have probably dissolved because, as you've discovered, it wasn’t really about them—it was about you. You just needed clarity on what was truly going on. Remember, "if you spot it, you got it." The world, people, circumstances, and our "reality" are simply mirrors reflecting our own assumptions back at us.
But if you're still feeling annoyed, and this exercise hasn’t shifted anything for you, that’s great too. Why? Because it signals that a conversation is needed. Communication between you and your subject may be necessary to untangle the issues in the relationship. In this case, your feelings are valid and worth exploring.
Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean
Ultimately, my goal in sharing this article is to help you avoid unnecessary drama in your life. Less drama means more happiness. The transference tool acts as a great filter. The next time you're triggered or experiencing a strong emotional reaction, pause and run those feelings through the transference exercise before responding. This quick, 5-minute process can save you hours—or even days—of frustration. The return on investment (ROI) is massive.
For easy access, I’ve included a downloadable template of this exercise to help you navigate personal, family, and business relationships with more ease.
I’d love to hear about your experience with this tool. Feel free to reply to these weekly newsletters—I read every email.
That’s it for this week! I hope your "reality" in the days ahead is filled with assumptions of health, wealth, beauty, and genius.
See you next Thursday!
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