From 'Yes' to 'Hell Yes': Magnetizing Success with Reciprocity
Today's article marks the start of a series on a topic I'm deeply passionate about—how to transition from simply getting more "yeses" in life tactically to becoming the kind of person people naturally want to say "yes" to. This will also be the focus of a mastermind program I’m developing, tentatively titled "From 'Yes' to 'Hell Yes': The Ethical Conman's Blueprint."
My goal isn’t just to teach persuasion tactics, but to help people embody these principles, becoming naturally magnetic. I believe this is my purpose—to guide others in creating extraordinary lives where they must pinch themselves because of the beauty they've magnetized. In other words, to become magicians of beauty.
Am I a self-pinching Magician of Beauty? Not yet, but I’m definitely becoming one, using the very frameworks I’ll discuss in this article. These insights come from my studies with brilliant minds in human potential, including time spent with a Shaman in Peru. By blending universal laws with modern behavioral science, neurolinguistic programming, and the wisdom of ancient scriptures, I’ve crafted a method that I believe leads not just to achieving "yes" but to becoming a "yes."
Today, we’ll dive into the universal principle of RECIPROCITY.
Understanding Reciprocity
The principle is simple: A favor given often leads to a favor returned. It’s the foundation of building connections and trust—"you help me, I help you."
After the 9/11 attacks, Columbia, South Carolina—a small city of 146,000—raised $300,000 to buy a new fire truck for the NYFD. The press, puzzled by such a generous gift, uncovered that this donation was repaying New York for a hose truck it had given to Columbia during the Civil War—135 years earlier.
Amazing, isn’t it? Reciprocity not only binds individuals but can also connect entire communities, organizations, and societies.
Consider a study with construction managers. They were asked to complete a one-hour survey. Half were promised a $50 reward upon completion. The other half received a $5 bill upfront, with no conditions—they could keep the money whether they completed the survey or not. The result? 52% of those who received the $5 gift completed the survey, compared to just 23% of those who were promised the $50 reward.
The lesson? Give first, without conditions. Conditional rewards diminish the power of reciprocity. When you give freely, without expectation, the chances of receiving a "yes" increase dramatically.
In a well-known tipping study, restaurant patrons who received a single mint with their bill increased tips by 3.3%. When waiters gave two mints, tips increased by 14.1%. And when a waiter gave one mint, walked away, then returned to say, “I like you, here’s another mint,” tips soared by 23%.
What’s the takeaway? The two mints were more effective because they felt meaningful—getting two instead of one made the patron feel special. The 23% increase came from the personalization and unexpected nature of the gesture. The waiter made the patron feel like they were getting something extra just for them.
When using reciprocity to get a "yes," make your gift meaningful, personalized, and unexpected.
Consider an Uber driver who offers a generic bottle of water. It’s nice, but it’s something you assume everyone gets. But if that driver kept a cooler in the front seat with a variety of beverages and offered you a choice, saying something like, “It’s hot out there, how about an ice-cold iced tea?”—they’d likely see their tips skyrocket.
It's not just about monetary gifts; intangible gifts can be just as impactful (see a list of intangibles below.)
If Generosity Doesn’t Come Naturally
If generosity doesn’t come easily to you, this is an area worth focusing on.
I didn’t come from a generous family—giving to others wasn’t something I saw often, if at all, as a kid. I have vivid memories of my father telling homeless beggars to “GET A JOB!” when they asked for money. Growing up, the message was always about getting, not giving. The focus was, "What can you get out of this world? What’s in it for you? Get your worth! Take care of yourself. You must win!"
These principles shaped the majority of my life—until life kicked my butt enough times that I was forced to change. The “getting” mindset only gets you so far until it stops working, and then you have to face yourself in the mirror, take a long, hard look, and realize, "I’m a selfish motherfuc*er, and I’m going to be miserable and alone if I don’t change."
When I was 33, someone recommended that I read the St. Francis prayer repeatedly until it was imprinted in my brain. I read it once and was utterly lost; it was like reading a different language.
Today, I have a much deeper understanding of that prayer.
What I’m saying is that generosity doesn’t come naturally to me like it does to some people I know, and perhaps even to you. This might not be the principle you need to embrace to become more magnetic. It could be one of the other six universal principles—or a combination—that you need to focus on to become a Magician of Beauty.
For me, generosity has been the hardest principle to embrace. It’s not instinctive; I have to intentionally design my life so that giving becomes a natural expression (more on that later).
Fear, especially around money, plays a big role. I grew up in a family with a dysfunctional relationship with money, where I was taught that earning money is hard and that you must hoard it because the well might run dry. One of my goals is to give 10% of everything I earn to charity, but honestly, I’m scared sh*tless to do so. There's still a part of me that doesn't fully trust that the money won't run out. I find myself torn between the lessons I learned growing up and the wisdom from our greatest teachers that the law of reciprocity is as dependable as gravity—what you give will return to you.
This article on reciprocity holds a special place for me. It almost feels like I’m writing it more for myself than for you, my reader. But if you can relate to my recovering relationship with reciprocity, keep reading because I have a solution that’s working for me and will work for you as well.
Suffering Robs Us of the Ability to Give, While Peace Restores It
When most people think of yoga, they picture Lululemon, abs, and sweat. But the physical yoga we see in studios across the country is just a tiny slice of what yoga truly is. In fact, physical yoga was originally created simply to prepare the body for meditation. That’s it.
Yoga is actually a path toward enlightenment. It’s not a religion, but it shares similarities because it promises bliss and happiness if you follow its guidelines. There are four paths of yoga, each leading to the same place—bliss and enlightenment—but you get to choose your route, like picking whether to take a train, plane, or car to your destination.
One of these paths is Karma Yoga. This path is all about selfless service—giving to others without expecting anything in return. By dedicating yourself to service, you reach enlightenment.
This principle of giving is also central to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), which is the most effective solution for alcoholism. AA relies heavily on the concept of service—through sponsorship and helping others at meetings, recovery is achieved.
Even in trauma therapy, where people confront unimaginable pain, the foundation of healing is forgiveness. It’s about forgiving those who hurt you, those who failed to protect you, and most importantly, forgiving yourself. When we break down the word 'forgive,' we find 'for' and 'giving.' Healing, even from the darkest experiences, involves clearing a path back to being 'for giving.' Suffering robs us of the ability to give, while peace restores it. No matter how you look at life, giving is always at the heart of it.
Every religion, scripture, and guru emphasizes the importance of giving. Hell, it might even be the secret to happiness and abundance. Whether you’re looking at universal principles of persuasion, science, philosophy, or religion—they all stress the power of generosity.
If you want to become more magnetic in your life, if you want people to say yes to you, if you want to be a magician of beauty and experience abundance and joy, the answer is clear: give. But not as a manipulative tactic like taping a $5 bill to a survey.
Giving needs to be a practice—a daily habit. Generosity isn’t something we achieve; it’s something we become.
How to Become Generous
To develop generosity as a habit, I’m going to introduce you to a science-backed process from Dr. BJ Fogg, the head of Stanford University’s Behavior Lab. Dr. Fogg has dedicated his life to understanding how we create new behaviors and, ultimately, lasting habits. His New York Times bestselling book Tiny Habits is a testament to his expertise. I’ve studied under Dr. Fogg and am certified in his process, and I’ve found nothing better for creating lasting change.
I want to use his process to help you become more magnetic in your life by practicing generosity daily—making giving a habit so that it becomes part of who you are, not just something you do occasionally to get something in return.
Since I’m still on my journey to mastering this principle myself, I can tell you that if you stay committed to the process and practice of giving, and let go of worrying about the results, you’ll be amazed at what starts happening in your life.
I won’t dive into the entire science-backed process here, but if you’re serious about making generosity a habit, please read my detailed step-by-step article on BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits process. It’s a great guide not just for cultivating generosity, but for creating any new habit in your life.
In a nutshell, for a new habit to stick, you need three things:
Ability: Most people mistakenly focus on increasing motivation when trying to form a new habit. Instead, focus on making the habit easier—make it tiny! For example, instead of trying to floss all your teeth every night, just commit to flossing one tooth.
Anchor Moment: Attach your new tiny habit to a routine you already perform daily without fail. These routines, like waking up, getting out of bed, or checking your phone, are ideal anchor points for new habits. For instance, after I pee, I’ll do two pushups.
Celebration: Celebrate every time you complete your tiny habit. This isn’t just about feeling good; it’s about neurochemistry. Celebrating releases dopamine, which helps cement the habit in your brain. Remember, habits can form quickly with the right positive reinforcement.
Below, I’ve created 11 Tiny Habits recipes to help you practice generosity daily. Choose three to start and adjust them as needed. If three is too many, just start with one.
The beauty of tiny habits is that they naturally grow into bigger habits without force or struggle. People change best when they feel good, not bad! Success momentum—built through frequent, small wins—is far more effective than one big success that takes a long time. In other words, sending a kind message daily has a much greater compounding effect than making a sizable donation once a year.
In time, practicing generosity will become who you are. You’ll naturally be a generous person, and people will notice. They’ll speak highly of you, want to work with you, and opportunities, abundance, and joy will flow to you with ease.
11 Tiny Habits for Becoming More Generous:
After I finish my morning coffee, I will send a kind message to someone.
After I read an interesting article, I will share it with someone who might benefit (hint: start with this one).
After I complete a task at work, I will thank a colleague for their contribution.
After I hear about a need, I will refer someone who can help.
After I notice something positive about someone, I will give them a genuine compliment.
After someone starts speaking to me, I will make eye contact, nod, and listen without interrupting.
After I greet a close friend or family member, I will offer a gesture of affection.
After I leave my house in the morning, I will greet the first person I see with a cheerful “Good morning!”
After I start a conversation, I will ask a thoughtful question and listen carefully.
After I notice someone is upset, I will express empathy and offer help.
After someone shares an idea or perspective that’s different from mine, I will pause, take a deep breath, and say, “That’s an interesting perspective. Tell me more about it.”
Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Start tiny, and soon generosity will become second nature.
And in the image below, you’ll find 102 celebration ideas to help reinforce these new habits. If you're unsure what I mean by "celebration," be sure to read the article I mentioned earlier.
What Does Being a "Yes" Mean to You?
My expertise lies in teaching negotiation, persuasion, and influence to large organizations. Typically, these organizations seek to learn the tactical aspects of these skills, and I understand why—they want a clear return on their investment. The tactical side is more straightforward, easier to grasp, and implementable by large teams. But I believe these tactics have much deeper implications; they have the potential to make us better human beings.
While it might be challenging to draw direct correlations between revenue, profits, and becoming a better person, I genuinely believe they exist. Personally, I'd prefer to lead a team of sales professionals who are magnetic individuals rather than a team that merely uses magnetic tools and strategies.
My hope for you, the reader, is that you see the depth and power of the principles I discuss and will continue to explore. Let these principles become a staple in your daily life. They offer more than just a path to getting a "Yes"—they teach us to become a "Yes." And what does being a "Yes" mean to you? It’s a profound question, but one worth exploring.
That’s all for this week. Take a moment to tell someone you love them today.
See you next Thursday.
Whenever you're ready, there are 6 ways I can help you and your team:
Book me to speak at your next sales kickoff meeting or conference: I've spoken about sales negotiation to over 20,000 people worldwide. Text the word "SPEAKER," to 310-927-5657 and someone will contact you within 24 hours to discuss.
Bring me on to train your sales team: I've trained teams from some of the world's largest organizations, yielding an incredible ROI of $535 for every dollar spent. My methods have generated an additional $1B in revenue across various industries. If you're interested, please text the word "TRANSFORMATION," to 310-927-5657 and someone will schedule a discovery call with you shortly.
[COMING SOON] Negotiate Price Like a STUD, Not a DUD: An online, self-directed course designed to help you defend your pricing and fees effectively.
[COMING SOON] From 'Yes' to 'Hell Yes': The Ethical Conman's Blueprint: I've recently been certified as a master trainer in persuasion and influence by Dr. Robert Cialdini himself. I'm launching a new, exclusive 8-week program that deep dives into the principles of ethical persuasion and influence for leaders. Learn how to become a more magnetic leader and get more people to say "Yes" to you.
[TBD] Live 2-Day Public Negotiation Seminar in Los Angeles: Join us for a unique opportunity to master negotiation skills, network with other leaders, and enjoy a swanky hotel in LA. It's also a perfect chance to train key people from your organization if in-house training isn't feasible.
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